Worldsick

The following was written by Jenn G., a future contributor to the (herein much more active) Confessions of a Communist.

I'm worldsick.

I can't take being the only one who cares. I feel like feeling something when I walk by a homeless man (there are lots in St. Kitt's) is frowned upon; like it shows I'm naive or "too young" or too much of an idealist.

I don't like people telling me that this election will result in a Conservative majority. Honestly the thought of it makes me sick. I feel physically ill thinking about it. Everyone I talk to seems to like the NDP, but it's a "wasted vote". If they would all just fucking vote for who they wanted we'd have a chance!

I see myself lusting after electronic drum sets and I want to shake myself awake. I DON'T FUCKING NEED IT. I'm aware we live in a consumer culture and I think by now I've taken it to heart that everything is fabricated and nothing should be real enough to affect me, personally, (I mean out there in media central) but some days I wake up and I note to myself, "Hmmm, better hit the gym" and I wonder why that is (with dismay).

I see myself unable (and perhaps unwilling) to be free from this. I see Harper skewing ads to the point where they aren't even remotely true and I see people shaking their heads and saying, "Well, it may be true that he's lying but he has a point... I didn't like that whole coalition thing and besides, Harper saves me money." THEY SAY THIS in front of the homeless, even as cars bounce around on terrible roads, as our social fabric collapses around us. And I want to say, shake, SCREAM at them. "HOW CAN YOU BE SO FUCKING BLIND TO WHAT'S GOING ON RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU?! YOU DON'T NEED A BENZ, YOU DON'T NEED THAT TAX CUT SO YOU CAN GO TO CUBA AND EXPLOIT THE ENVIRONMENT AND POVERTY EVEN FURTHER. YOU DON'T NEED IT YOU DON'T NEED IT YOU DON'T FUCKING NEED IT, AND IN YOUR CONSTANT PURSUIT OF IT (BECAUSE WE'VE BEEN TOLD WE'RE SUPPOSED TO WANT IT) YOU'VE LOST SIGHT OF THE MEANING OF EVERYTHING!!!"

Does integrity exist anymore?

I feel sick because I'm starting to understand that we need to work towards getting the raise, the benz, the dream house with the dream children doing to the dream school. Because if we don't have these stupid goals to work towards we start to realize that we're working for nothing. I see myself, waking up at 6:45, having a shower, packing up baby carrots and other veggies in ziploc containers, going to work from 8:30-4:30, hitting the gym after, and coming home. And I'm thinking, "What about this makes me happy? Why do I feel so productive after work? I don't actually do anything that makes a difference. I just feel like I'm working towards something."

But what am I working towards? Paying off my debt, though I realize the entire time that as soon as it's paid off another will sprout up. Why have I spent that past 10 years of my life gunning for a career where I can influence things just so I feel worthwhile and justified in all the effort I've spent getting myself here? Why should I care about Dean's List? (to be honest, I haven't really cared much since high school, but I've been putting on the face without any of the effort required to take genuine joy in my supposed "accomplishment").

Everyone around me praises me for my "achievements". I know my parents are proud to say I'm in a "good" career, that I get good grades at a good school, that I seem "well-rounded" and pay my bills on time and am increasingly independent thanks to my success (so far) at getting well-paying co-op jobs.

But it doesn't matter, and it won't even matter, and no one around me seems to notice. I'm fucking eating blueberries right now because I felt I should increase my fruit and veggie intake........... For fuck's sake. IT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

I don't know how to reconcile feeling aware (though I know it's still dawning) of the fabrication of society with my inability to rid myself of it. I want to scrub myself until I no longer feel guilty about not going to the gym, until I no longer feel stupid for wanting the world to be better, until I no longer feel sexier after I've shaved. I want to blast my music until I'm no longer concerned with how others will percieve me, or how strange people will find me if I "go rogue".

I mean, no one drops out of the best university when they're getting excellent grades and excellent marks in co-op, now do they? And for what? What would I do? Start up the queer homeless shelter? I'd be dismissed before I even had a chance to say it's the only thing I feel driven to participate in.

I feel torn between my idealism and my rationality more than I've ever felt it before. It's been a constant undertone for me, throughout; a constant bubbling. But the pressure is causing a fissure, and I'm not sure if I'll end up on the

LEFT

when the

RIGHT

is all people are concerned with.

In a world where we're all taught so many things, is it even possible to remove yourself? To shake yourself awake? To see the AMERICAN DREAM for what it is? (that is, a dream, or a nightmare of self-centered social negligence)

I see people outside, idling their cars, and as much as it makes me angry I'm aware that I'd be embarrassed to go out there and tell them it bothers me so deeply. After all, it's just ONE CAR, it's just FIVE MINUTES, and it can't possibly be contributing to anything. HE'S JUST ONE PERSON, he can't possibly have any impact, never ever ever, so why not just do what he wants?

Why? I can't fucking stand feeling like I'm the only one who's angry, like I'm the only one who cries reading the news, like I'm the only one who feels like everyone around them is brainwashed.

Yet I'm fucking eating blueberries, sitting at a desk, and in front of me are things I've arranged into orderly piles (in order of importance and priority), and my hi-lighter is beside a pile, and my fruits and veggies are beside my reusable water bottle, beside my resuable ziploc containers.

And the saddest part of all of this is that the fact that I do feel partially pacified using reusable items, and I do feel superior when I turn my car off and shiver beside someone idling their truck. I fucking sit there and shiver in a self-righteous rage.